Casey and I went to an Orchard this weekend …twice. And I loved every minute.
Saturday night, we attended and documented the most adorable family proposal! Casey’s step-brother had the sweetest surprise set up for his now fiancé at Boyd Orchards. With family hidden, they walked out of a corn maze, he got down on one knee and asked for forever. Her reaction was the absolute cutest. I am excited for them as they now begin planning for their new life together.
Sunday, we woke up and decided to go back to Boyd Orchards to pick pumpkins for our front porch. A favorite tradition Casey and I began last year. We found our little round pumpkins, and even though it began to rain, the day was perfect.
Lately, I’ve been thinking about how much has changed since we first got married.
So much has changed.
I remember having to live with grandma for our first few weeks as husband and wife. That’s fun for newlyweds. Having jobs in completely different cities while owning only one car. Finally moving into our own little apartment in Shelbyville that we were so in love with. We had a large pond with Weeping Willow trees right outside our patio. It was beautiful.
And we had ducks that came up to our back door. We named them all and called them our children.
I remember Casey studying for his media teaching job wondering if he would get it and where that would lead him. I was a receptionist in Louisville looking for a new job. There was much unknown, yet I don’t remember stressing over all the little details. We had each other. We were just married and were on our own. That is all we really were concerned about.
Fast forward 2.5 years later and our life looks completely different. We still share one car, however we now both have new jobs that we love waking up for located in the same city. We have started a wedding business that we are working hard to grow. We moved to a cute little town where we own a beautiful home.
And we still are madly in love.
Today, we have everything and more that we didn’t before.
Yet, now I am worried. 100xs more. Somehow from then to now I’ve developed anxiety and a bad habit of worrying. Worry that occupies almost every thought. Worry that wakes me up in the middle of the night. Worry that gives me non-stop migraines.
I worry about finances, a mortgage, student loans, wondering if we will always have careers that will provide income, wondering if another bride or groom will book with us, future kids we haven’t even had yet and where they will go to school. (Like what? Why am I thinking of school zones right now?)
Everything. I’ve thought about it in great detail and I’ve worried about it.
I have always been concerned about the functioning details of my life and needing to have a solution for everything, and then a backup plan if that fails. Today, I am strongly OCD about it.
When I face the unknown, I have convinced myself I can take control and create my own answers. I can create a little plan that will check off every unknown box to make sure something will work out.
Got it. Get it. Good. Done. Check.
The problem is, life never unfolds perfectly, and I know I could never get all the details right. My life has never gone the way I thought it would, yet still I tend to believe I can take control. I still try to create a picture from a puzzle with only half the pieces.
I am dealing with a mindset that I’ve nurtured since my early schooldays. As a result I am now a 25-year-old adult strongly stressing about something that may or may not even transpire next year. What once was a bad habit has now slowly become a lifestyle.
More often than not, the unexpected happens to me, every single time. My perfectly thought out plans NEVER goes as expected. Not once. How fun is that? Instead, life has gotten in the way. Disappointments have shown up. Different routes have taken effect. But something better has always come from them. Why? Because eventually, I finally give up and ask God to take control of my unknown.
And he does every single time.
In the most beautiful way I could ever imagine. I could sit and give you stories on how much God has moved mountains for me.
I know this. And I should know how the outcome is going to play out. My perfect plans are going to become a disaster, and I am going to have to finally move aside and trust God to lead me and Casey into the unknown. My problem now is this time feels different. My life feels heavier because so much can go wrong. Casey & I have built a life that I am afraid will be robbed from me. I feel the weight of losing everything. So I want to do everything in my power to keep it as safe as possible from falling to pieces.
Does this resonate with anyone?
I worry that the things God has provided me & Casey will be taken from us. I’ve seen disaster come and shake families and it’s almost as if I have a mindset that thinks, “it’s only a matter of time before our disaster hits.”
Not knowing what our next season will look like gets me so overwhelmed it is robbing me of enjoying what God has given to me now.
The problem is, this isn’t how God intended me or any of us to live life. We were never intended to live in fear.
I share all of this because I know anxiety can run deep. It’s okay to want to have a plan and sound answers. But try and leave room to trust. Life is not void of troubles. However, life is much sweeter when we face the unknown without anxiety and instead with assurance. Assurance that someone greater than will lead us into the unknown with a peace of mind.
I am learning how to stretch my faith and walk in God’s desires for my life on a daily basis. Life makes it difficult, because life tells us to create the solutions.
Today, I am saying no more because I have left no room for God to show up. I recently came across this quote and it resonated with me so deeply I thought I would end this post sharing this with you.
“Those who leave
in God’s hands
will eventually see
God’s hands in everything.”